A Beginner’s Guide to Getting Noticed
It started with a picture of a puppy. “Make the impression you like animals, it always brings in the swipe rights.” Joe sipped on his beer, a cheap American brand, as Gerard felt the condensation of the pint glass in his hands.
“Well, I do like animals.” Gerard looked down at his phone, the profile from his newly downloaded Tinder was sparse but at least Joe was trying to help.
“Look Ger, I know you hear this constantly but it is time to put yourself out there again. You’ve been pining after Becca for far too long.” Joe looked towards the waitress, raising his empty bottle and nodding. “You need to be actively trying for these chicks. Build a good profile, shamble through a date, and then profit.”
Gerard pushed his glasses up the brim of his nose, again staring at the mostly blank profile. “I’m not looking just for… profit”
“Oh I know buddy, you’re looking for the swelling in your heart whenever she walks in the room, the smile on your face when you wake up before her and see her sleeping, yada yada yada. Good Luck. It’s not real.” The waitress dropped off Joe’s beer with a wink as he watched her walk away for just a little too long.
“Your cynicism is showing again Joe.” Gerald smiled as he started typing into his phone, attempting to fill out the profile more to appease Joe than anything else. “What should I fill in for the about me section?”
“Nothing really. A vague quote, a little fact, maybe a joke.” Joe pulled his phone from his pocket, opening the app and sliding it to Gerald.
“Joe, 27 – Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. Enjoys beer and burritos.”
“Well that sure describes a lot about yourself.” Gerald scoffed sliding the phone back.
“Ger, these girls have the pick of the litter, you have to grab their attention with a picture just so they’ll read anything and if it’s more than two sentences they lose interest. In this one instance longer isn’t better.” Joe chuckled to himself, sipping more beer.
Staring at his phone Gerald felt like he was writing an exam. “How does this look?”
Joe picks up his phone, reading a little too loud for Gerald’s liking.
“Gerald, 26 – In a constant search for the unknown. Enjoys physics and astronomy.”
“The quote is good but Jesus Point Dexter can you pick two more boring things to list as your likes?”
“I do like those things though.” Gerald sighed, resorting to drinking his mediocre beer instead of talking.
Joe typed a few things into the phone and handed it back to Gerald. “Much better.”
“Gerald, 26 – In a constant search for the unknown. Enjoys vacationing and vinyl.”
Gerald reread the extremely short biography. “You know I’ve only been out of state once, right?”
“Doesn’t matter in the slightest. You can fudge your way through a first date, plus don’t you like the alliteration?” Joe smiled to himself, forcefully patting Gerald on the back. “Now start swiping.”
Gerald anxiously brought up the first profile, examining each picture and reading the full biography of the woman.
“Laurie, 22 – Hipster at heart, not so secret One Directioner”
“Dammit Gerald you can learn their life story on your first date. If the picture is cute swipe right. That’s it.” Joe, six or seven beers in already, grabs the phone and starts swiping. “Yes. No. Yes. Oh yes. No because I want this one. Yes. No.”
Gerald looks away towards the window of the pub, finishing the last of his beer. “We have our first match!” Joe hollers triumphantly. “Looks like you’ve got a date. She just typed that she would love to see your vinyl collection sometime. Clearly she wants it.” Joe snickered handing the phone back to Gerald.
“Jenny, 24 – When I feel like I can’t breathe, I know it’s real. Cat lady starter pack. Grad student.”
“So I have a date?” Gerald was very confused, looking at Joe expectantly.
“If you message her back and ask her out yeah!” Joe grabbed the phone once more, typing and then waiting.
“She wants to have coffee and go record shopping tomorrow at 4pm, I confirmed. There you go Ger, not so hard at all.” Joe got up from his seat, slamming some money down for their tab.
Gerald grabbed his jacket, nodded a wordless thank you to the waitress and stared at his phone.
“Well this will be interesting…”